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April 13, 2008
Too Early to Trash Talk?
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We are two weeks into the full-blown season (I refuse to count the BoSox-A’s debacle in Japan as the beginning) and
everyone is slowly ramping themselves up for the long haul. It’s funny how everyone gets all giddy when pitchers and catchers
report in February, gets pumped as Draft Day approaches and really loses it when Opening Day can be counted down in
hours instead of days.
And then the season starts… and so does the hangover.
You have to remember that like the Major Leagues, fantasy baseball is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a six-month season of
twists and turns, peaks and valleys, highs and lows. This is a cardinal sin I’ve seen many a roto player make when it comes to
the discussion boards, a sin whose penance often is a sentence of 5.5 months of ineffectiveness. Avoid this transgression at
all costs.
Rule #26: Blowing your wad early will leave you verbally limp for the rest of the season.
I committed this sin early in my “career” playing fantasy baseball via the Internet. I watched the other owners, who had been
playing together for 3-4 years, take pot shots at each other over the first 2-3 weeks, and decided to let loose. I spent an hour
crafting an intricate post, chock full of put-downs for nearly every owner in the league, a seven-paragraph masterpiece that
said everything I could ever hope to say.
And then I was promptly ridiculed.
The post was so damn long that most players stopped reading about one-quarter of the way in. It wasn’t terribly funny and it
lost its effectiveness the moment you started reading. It was like one of those long story-like jokes someone tells at a party
that drags on an on and on with no end seemingly in sight, and then the punchline sneaks up and jabs you out of nowhere…
and you forget to laugh. I was knocked off my game and it took me a solid two months to come back with another good post,
having used all my “A” material in one shot.
I was quickly educated that you need to employ more of a hit-and-run strategy when it comes to the average post. Don’t try
for a knockout blow on each owner in one post. Take a few swipes at one or two (or more if you’re feeling daring), but make
them short and sweet. You can have some fun with it, but don’t feel like you have to write a novel with various layers of
subtext. An easy angle to play up is attacking a team that has several injuries early on, comparing a team with Moises Alou
and Pedro Martinez to a M*A*S*H unit. Propose to send a care package of Band-Aids and Icy Hot to the team owner. It’s
cheap heat, but most times, you take what you can get. Not every post can be a home run.
Rule #9: A good poster is like a great boxer – jab, jab, duck, jab, uppercut!
If you think it’s all haymakers in the world of trash-talking, you’re probably a wannabe hack. I have never found someone who
hits it out of the park every time. Sure, there are guys (and gals, I’m sure) who can put down anyone seemingly at any time,
but even they will back off a little and pepper the discussion board at times, trying to entice someone to enter the fray so they
can pounce. Those little potshots are what keeps a board active and alive during a six-month season. If you relied on the
knockout blow, you’d end up with a boring board that sits dormant for weeks at a time.
One question you might be asking yourself if you are sitting atop the standings: Is it too early to gloat? This is a tough one to
answer because it depends on your resolve. If you are bold and feel confident that you can ride the aftermath, then go for it.
But be warned, odds are that you won’t be in 1st place from wire to wire, and the farther you fall, the harder you’ll get
lambasted. I topped my league for the first six weeks of the season one year and wouldn’t open my mouth – partly for fear of
jinxing myself – until the first month was over. Sure enough, I wound up sliding into the second division, finishing 8th in a 10-
team league. Not a pretty sight, and I was given the milk carton treatment (“Have you seen this team?”) throughout the
summer.
On the other hand, if you let comments roll off your back and don’t pay any mind to them, then by all means fire away. Just
remember to duck.
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March 29, 2008
Opening Day Jitters
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NOTE: Contains language not suitable for readers under 15 (or so).
FINALLY. It’s about damn time. Position battles are over. Rosters are set. Florida and Arizona, save for three teams, have
been vacated, and it’s time to play ball. You’ve been patiently awaiting this moment for six months, since the last out was
recorded. So why are you nervous? Quit biting your nails, tapping your foot, reciting “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” or
whatever foolish pre-season ritual you’ve been practicing.
Take that nervous energy and channel it toward something useful – your league’s message/discussion board. The damn
thing is looking pretty much like the Sahara right now, isn’t it? No time like the present to start pushing some buttons and
jumpstart your league’s board. It’s like electroshock therapy for everyone’s competitive spirits. Believe me, other teams want
to boast, brag and belittle. But they’re all waiting for that first salvo. Much like the “cool kids” headed to a party, no one wants
to get there first. Everyone wants to arrive fashionably late.
But that’s not how it works with fantasy ball trash-talking.
Rule #11: Be first, be bold, be brave.
Don’t hold back when it comes to stepping out in the early stages of the season. If you’re the first one to really put it all out
there, then go for gusto. Proclaim your greatness while predicting doom and gloom for a friend. Sure, it can bite you in the
ass in a couple months, but it’ll be entertaining now.
Philly Phanatics: The only real question to ask yourselves right now is whether you should be sending your league dues to
the commish or directly to me. Save him a stamp at the end of the season. Seriously. I could bench my entire outfield and
bullpen and still beat the crap out of half of you. I feel sorry for everyone who’s going to spend the next six months studying
roster moves and hot/cold streaks. Waste of time.
Of course, all of that could backfire if half your team lands on the DL, but you might as well live it up now while you can. Being
bold means that you make strong, declarative statements. None of this “I think,” “I hope,” “We’ll see,” “If all goes well” or
“There’s a chance.” Come right out with “I/my team will,” “I am/We are” or “You’re going down.” Straight-forward and simple.
Predict good things for your team. Don’t publicly cross your fingers.
While all of this might sound silly to some, consider this: would you make a trade with a team that is floundering and the GM is
despondent? You might, but you’re going to make sure you take him/her to the cleaners in the process. If the owner is
exuding confidence, you’re less likely to try to rake him/her over the coals. Just remember, there’s a difference between
confidence and delusions, but since this is the beginning of the season, unless your rotation is anchored by Adam Eaton and
John Patterson, you’re safe to boast a little.
Rule #16: The best defense is a good offense. The best offense is to be offensive.
If you’re not the first out of the gate – either in the standings or the discussion boards – don’t sweat it. This is where having
fun with your league is imperative. You can’t get upset by a poor start or by being called out. Fire back, with both guns blazing.
Midtown Marauders: Looks like I’m off to the races early, while the Phanatics are headed south for the season. They went
down faster than Paris Hilton after someone yelled “action.”
Philly Phanatics: Dragging Paris Hilton into this? Are you just upset because she gave you the clap? Or because you had to
pay her for it? And last time I checked, the season is six months long, not six minutes, but for you, six minutes is an
accomplishment, isn’t it? Talk to me after June, when you’re scraping the bottom.
Yes, it’s a little (OK, a lot) crude, but unless you’re playing with a league of choir boys, you’ve got to defend yourself. And
since the other team set the bar, feel free to hurdle it and keep right on going. You’ll notice that stinging insults can be made
with innuendo and without resorting to outright nastiness. What was said in this fictitious exchange isn’t suitable for Sesame
Street, but it also isn’t so profane that you’re afraid your child/younger sibling will see it and learn “bad words.” They might be
curious about Paris Hilton, however.
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March 23, 2008
All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go
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Like Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers sang, “The waiting is the hardest part.” You’ve had your draft and hopefully managed
to avoid any pitfalls in choosing players who are injured or still unemployed (unless you have an exceptionally deep bench).
But what do you do now? It’s still a week away from Opening Day for most teams, so how do you pass the time?
Well, speaking of time, you could always go to MLB.com and check out the Opening Day countdown counter, although it’s
counting down to the Boston-Oakland games in Japan as the official start of the season. (Sorry, but the season really hasn’t
begun until the other 28 teams have played a game.) And counting down like that is akin to watching water boil or paint dry –
it’s going to get boring really fast.
So what to do for an avid baseball and roto fan like yourself? The most important thing you can do is not fall asleep at the
wheel. Just because you’ve drafted a team doesn’t mean you’re set for Opening Day. Like any of the Major League teams,
you have to keep an open mind. Roster spots are not guaranteed for everyone. Here’s a couple pointers:
Keep an eye on position battles – If you know of a team that has not awarded a starting spot to a player or pitcher, make
sure you check the team site and fantasy baseball sites (like this one!) regularly to see if a certain player has the inside track
on the spot. This is especially helpful in AL- or NL-only leagues, where roto managers often are scraping the bottom of the
barrel with their last couple roster spots. A surprise starting third baseman can be the difference-maker you’re looking for.
And just as importantly, you don’t want someone else scooping him up.
Check the ER – Make sure the guys you drafted are all starting the season with their limbs intact. Nothing’s worse than not
realizing until March 30 that your catcher and middle infielder are starting the season on the disabled list, leaving you to
scramble to find a suitable replacement. You wouldn’t let that happen during the season, so don’t let it happen during spring
training leading into the season.
Buy low, sell high – Don’t be afraid to explore trades at this point. It doesn’t hurt to window shop, especially if you’re
overstocked in one area and hurting in another. Just don’t feel compelled to make a move right away. If you’re overloaded on
closers, there’s something to be said about piling up the saves early in the season to build an insurmountable lead, and then
trading one away. But look around while you can.
Set the bar – This is a good time to set goals for your team. Familiarize yourself with your players and what they’re capable
of, then chart out what you can expect performance-wise from them. That gives you an idea of what kind of team you have. It
doesn’t hurt to look at opposing benches to see where you fall within your league. Then, you will know whether you’re going to
have a power-hitting team, speedsters, dominant pitching or a well-balanced squad.
Fan up – Perhaps one of the most underrated and often-ignored qualities of a solid fantasy baseball manager is that you
need to be a fan of the game. You need to enjoy the sport from top to bottom to gain a true appreciation for it. You should
love baseball from a purist’s standpoint if you’re going to play rotisserie baseball. If you just kinda stumbled into playing at a
friend’s behest, take the time to familiarize yourself with the sport. Go to a game when you get a chance – be it the majors or
minors, it doesn’t matter. Just go. Once you truly enjoy the sport, then you can approach fantasy baseball with the right
attitude.
Class is in session – Along those lines, become a student of the sport. You don’t need to have a Ph.D. in baseball at the
outset, but take the time to understand the game. It will help you in the long run with predicting which players are going to be
valuable assets to your fantasy team and who might end up being a dud. Besides, if you’re going to be a fan and manage a
roto team, shouldn’t you know (or at least be learning about) baseball?
Sure, the pre-season lull between Draft Day and Opening Day is finite, but it doesn’t have to be a vacuum where nothing
happens. You sure as hell don’t want to sit there twiddling your thumbs waiting for the season to start. To quote the sage
Homer Simpson: “Ah, the waiting game sucks! Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos!”
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March 17, 2008
Looking for a Steal: Running Away with Your League
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So you’re pretty sure you’ve got the power game locked up with a couple key picks or keepers from last year, but you want to
make sure you show some love for every category. You look at stolen bases and realize the sloths you’re counting on for
pounding 30-plus HRs haven’t stolen anything since they snuck a couple donuts out of the neighborhood buffet.
How do you compensate? How do you compete for stolen bases in your league?
Personally, I am fiercely opposed to the strategy of drafting straight speedsters to your team. These one-dimensional players
usually add very little else, and unless they pile up the swipes, they are hardly worth the investment you’ll make with an early
draft pick. Juan Pierre is my poster child for this category. On the surface, he looks like a steal (pardon the pun) if he’s
available in the 10th round. His 64 SBs was second in the majors last year, but he didn’t hit a single home run, drove in a
paltry 41 runs, and while his 96 runs scored seems strong, he was tied for 36th with Ian Kinsler (who incidentally hit 20 HRs,
had 61 RBIs and 23 steals).
Pierre is a perfect example of a one-category (OK, 1.5) player that is regularly overrated (Dave Roberts is another). His
value is only high if you plan on drafting him, collecting as many stolen bases as possible and then dangling him as trade bait
mid-season. Otherwise, you’ve squandered a roster spot for virtually no offense.
But how do you pile up the points in stolen bases if you don’t draft someone like Pierre?
Let’s face facts: there are only a handful of players who steal like crazy and still have the offensive output to justify an early
drafting position – Jimmy Rollins (.296, 30 HR, 94 RBI, 41 SB), Eric Byrnes (.286, 21, 83, 50), Hanley Ramirez (.332, 29,
81, 51) and Jose Reyes (.280, 12, 57, 78). In fact, only eight players stole more than 40 bases last year, so virtually every
team in your league can net one of them.
The ideal way to nab steals is by drafting more complete players who will swipe bases, while supplying you with peripheral
offense, as well. Your best bet would be to lock down a 30-30 guy like Rollins, David Wright (30 HRs, 34 SBs), Brandon
Phillips (30-32) and Ramirez (one homer off is close enough in my book), but in the absence of that… Consider: there are 11
players with 30-39 steals and 22 with 20-29 swipes. Sure, grabbing Rollins, Ramirez or Reyes would be a coup and I would
recommend drafting any of them, but these lesser stolen base fiends are the guys who will make a difference on your team.
For instance, instead of drafting Pierre (or more likely, he won’t be available because someone caught in the overvaluing
game will invariably snatch him up sooner), consider Shane Victorino (.281, 12, 46, 37). By drafting him, you get a dozen
homers and are more than halfway to making up the stolen bases. Throw in solid across-the-board Curtis Granderson (.
302, 23, 74, 26) and you’ve basically equaled the SBs and picked up 35 HRs.
But there are other subtle ways to make up for not lunging at a speedster. Last year in my NL-only league, I ran away (sorry
about the puns) with the stolen base category. True, I had Reyes, but I traded him away mid-season for powerhouse Prince
Fielder – not exactly a thief on the basepaths. And it’s also true I lucked out with Eric Byrnes, who surprised everyone and
doubled his previous high of 25 steals. But I wouldn’t have won the category without drafting balanced players who
contributed offensively while still stealing a few: Russell Martin (21 for a catcher), Chase Utley (9 last year, but he had 15 in
2006) and Kelly Johnson (9).
This is where you need to be creative. Jim Thome hit 35 bombs and drove in 96, but he didn’t steal anything. Someone like
Torii Hunter (28, 107, 18), Carlos Lee (32, 119, 10) or even Ken Griffey Jr. (30, 93, 6) provides the same level of output
while chalking up a few steals. Griffey is actually ideal in this example. He might not be tearing up the basepaths, but those six
swipes add up if you draft a handful of those players. Look for those players with comparable numbers who steal a few bags.
That should increase their draft value. I’m not suggesting you forgo a power hitter like Thome, Fielder, Brad Hawpe or
Miguel Cabrera because they don’t steal bases, but if you can get Lee’s 10 stolen bases instead, it might be worth it.
Here’s a quick-and-dirty cheat sheet of “sleeper” stolen base threats (won’t chart among league leaders, but will nab a few for
you) by position:
C – Joe Mauer (7 SBs), Carlos Ruiz (6)
1B – Carlos Guillen (13), Lance Berkman (7), Derrek Lee (6)
2B – Ryan Theriot (28), Ian Kinsler (23), Orlando Hudson (10)
3B – Ryan Braun (15), Adrian Beltre (14)
SS – Orlando Cabrera (20), Michael Young (13)
OF – Victorino (37), Corey Hart (23), Gary Sheffield (22), Nick Markakis (18), Hunter (18), Alex Rios (17)
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March 9, 2008
Draft Day Denigrations: Putting Down While Picking Up
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All the off-season preparation – the strategy sessions, the magazines, the Websites – has boiled down to this moment, when
you select your roster for the upcoming season. You have to be careful and try not to screw up because draft day sets the
tenor for the entire year.
But that doesn’t mean it’s all work and no play. Drafting your fantasy baseball team is the perfect opportunity to take a few
swipes at opposing managers and set the tone for the other season – the one the plays out on the message boards.
First things first, I will break this down into two categories: live draft/auctions and Internet drafts. There is a distinct difference
in what you can get away with from behind a computer screen than you can in person. Don’t make the mistake of confusing
the two – you could find yourself making a mad dash out of the room.
In Person
Rule #47: Don’t push a man with his finger on the trigger.
Drafting or buying players in person is much more stressful than from the comforts of your own home. Everyone’s nervous
energy tends to pile up, leading to a more tense situation at times, especially when you start getting into the middle rounds
and managers are looking for those steals while hoping the person in front of them doesn’t snatch up the sleeper they so
desperately covet. You have to pick your spots in this situation. Early- or late-round trash-talking works much better in this
situation. You can get away with mocking someone for skipping over Alex Rodriguez in favor of Alfonso Soriano or when they
pick up Adam Eaton in the 23rd round.
If a manager is on the hotseat in a pressure-packed round, keep your yap shut. Sometimes, you’ve got to follow the Golden
Rule (no, not of trash-talking, but the Golden Rule – “Do unto others…”). You sure wouldn’t want someone to beat down your
door when you’re trying to quickly decide between a mid-level starter and third-tier middle infielder. That’s how bad blood
forms, and not the type any league needs.
By the same token, don’t shy away from getting on someone’s case if they’re sitting there in Round 2 agonizing over David
Ortiz vs. Vladimir Guerrero. It’s like choosing between Cherry Coke and Vanilla Coke. Both are upgrades from the norm and
both will serve the same purpose.
Rule #38: Shadow puppets suck, but charades are a great party game.
One of the best parts about being at a live draft/auction is that you are face-to-face with opposing managers, so not only can
you use your words to elicit a response, you can go into full-fledged theatrics to drive points (and insults) home. This is a
great chance to show off your Shakespearean skills.
For example, if a manager is taking three days to make up their mind, a simple tapping of a wristwatch (or better yet, a blank
wrist), falling asleep in your chair or feigned drumroll should liven it up. Sometimes, no words are necessary. You also get
style points if you figure out how to use props – like grabbing a nearby chair and pantomiming a whip if another manager
starts lashing out about someone “stealing” his/her sleeper picks.
Via Computer
Ah, the sanctity of the Internet. You’re stationed safely in your room or some other remote location, where you can spew forth
the venom and not run the risk of food (or worse, a shoe) being thrown at you. The antagonism can fly freely throughout the
draft, even during a pressure-packed round, because if you’re feverishly studying your next selection, you aren’t reading the
chat. Sure, you can’t wave your arms like a helicopter to make mimic a M*A*S*H chopper when someone drafts Moises Alou,
but that’s a trade-off you make. However, be warned, there are limits to what you can/should say online.
Rule #4: Glass house plus rocks, you do the math.
It’s easy to take shots at a manager who foolishly drafts a player way too early. I still remember how a guy in our NL-only
league drafted Eric Young in the second round a few years ago. We were so incredulous, we had it written into our by-laws as
part of our purpose: to laugh at stupid stuff like that. But keep in mind that for every Round 6 drafting of Bill Hall, there’s a
good chance you could make the same mistake. Don’t go blindly firing shots unless you’re ready for the same slings and
arrows if/when you make a boneheaded pickup.
That being said, don’t be gun-shy. No one ever won anything by playing it 100% safe all the time. Nothing ventured, nothing
gained. This rule isn’t meant to deter, it’s meant to serve as a warning: if you give, be fully prepared to receive an equal or
greater hit in return. Just know your limits. If you can’t handle it, don’t dish it out.
Hell, if you can’t handle the insults, you shouldn’t be reading this column. Trash-talking requires something of a thick skin.
Otherwise, you’ll take everything personally and wind up being miserable every time you check your roto stats.
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March 2, 2008
Preparing For The Draft
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Finally, the six-month slumber is over.
Fantasy baseball diehards have been waiting since October for the calendar to flip to March, so they can begin the grueling
task of researching, analyzing, assessing and ranking players in preparation for their league drafts. Some chart statistics,
weigh whether a player is in their “contract year” and even do mock drafts to strategize. And some fantasy baseball
columnists type out thousands of words to break down scenarios and weigh options over the course of several weeks of
preparation.
This is not one of those columns.
This is for those roto managers who are competitive, but don’t spend countless hours doing anything of the above. These
managers roll out of bed the morning of the draft knowing only what they’ve gleaned from SportsCenter and their local
newspaper. Sure, you could just set your computer to auto-draft, but you’re a purist who believes you should truly have
ownership of your team, and that means physically selecting the players who will populate your team.
So, for those of you who – like me – are born procrastinators, here’s how you can best prepare for your fantasy baseball draft
in one hour:
1. Know your place (3 minutes) – First things first, check what your position is in the draft. If you draft first, that means the
field is wide open to you. If you draft last, you’ll have to watch the others in your league snap up the cream of the crop. But, if
your league does a snake format draft (in a 10-team league, the rounds go 1-10, 10-1, 1-10, and so on), so you could get
back-to-back picks. That really is helpful when you are wringing your hands in the middle rounds over filling certain needs and
can’t decide. Knowing where you stand in the draft order helps your state of mind and approach to the draft.
2. Identify the top players available (11 minutes) – Figure out who the top 10-20 players are in the mix. Assuming you’re
not in a keeper league and are starting with a blank slate, you’re going to want to land a stud who will carry your team to
greatness… or at least respectability. With any luck, you’ll actually get two, maybe even three of these players (depending on
the size of your league).
a. Five-category players (average, home runs, RBIs, stolen bases, runs) don’t grow on trees, so find those guys who will give
you a boost in multiple categories (such as Jimmy Rollins, David Wright and Alex Rodriguez). They provide a balanced attack,
and they only take up one roster spot, rather than drafting three one-dimensional players to get the same production.
b. Look at the power hitters who are going to generate home runs, RBIs and (sometimes surprisingly) runs. Despite his poor
average and lack of speed, Adam Dunn ranked 27th in the majors in runs scored last year. Ryan Howard was 40th. These
guys will be snatched up quickly, so be prepared to jump on them.
c. Target a few elite pitchers (Johan Santana, Jake Peavy, C.C. Sabathia and Josh Beckett jump to mind) who you can count
on to win at least 15 games, strike out more than 150 and keep their ERA under the inflation rate. But don’t go crazy with
them. Pitchers are by-and-large more of a gamble when it comes to betting the farm and using your top pick to land a hurler.
If they get an arm injury, their season could be shot. A position player with a balky knee can still pound 25 HRs and drive in
80. A pitcher with a strained forearm can sit on the shelf for 2-3 months.
3. Blue light special on closers (5 minutes) – In every draft I’ve participated for the past 10 years, there inevitably is a run
on closers. Your best bet is to identify the second- and third-tier closers in case it gets to you and top-shelf firemen like
Jonathan Papelbon, Billy Wagner and J.J. Putz are gone. Be ready to use your third- or even second-round pick on a closer.
It sucks, but you also don’t want to be the team in August with 10 saves, pulling in one point and trailing the third-place team
by three points.
4. Check the warranty (7 minutes) – This can be a time-consuming activity (considering you only have 60 minutes), but
you absolutely have to check a couple Websites to determine if any players will start the season on the disabled list or are
coming off surgery and in rehabilitation. You don’t want to unknowingly draft someone who blew out their knee two days ago.
5. Aim for the middle (21 minutes) – A fantasy baseball season isn’t won due to the performance of your 1-2 studs
(although a lackluster season from them could tank yours). You win based on how well you draft the supporting cast. After the
10th round in a 10-team league, the no-brainers like Howard, Santana, A-Rod and Peavy have homes. Now you have to
buckle down and find the best of the rest. You’re getting into deciding between Corey Hart and Ryan Zimmerman to fill out the
roster.
a. Spend a few minutes ranking players by position. You’ll need a catcher, and while none are likely to go in the first few
rounds, you’ll want to be prepared to pick one up at a moment’s notice. You don’t want to be stuck with Rod Barajas as your
top backstop.
b. Draft to your needs. If you have Jose Reyes, Carl Crawford and Eric Brynes already, you probably don’t need a one-
dimensional speedster like Juan Pierre. Use that OF spot for someone like Raul Ibanez or Ken Griffey Jr., who provide more
depth.
c. Seek out the pitchers who will post double-digit wins. Last year, there were 27 pitchers who had at least 15 wins, but there
were 46 who logged 10-14 victories. While you obviously want those guys at the top of the rotation, you probably won’t get
more than three of them, so keep your eyes open for Rich Hill or the Old Faithfuls like Greg Maddux.
6. Catch some Zzzzz’s (10 minutes) – Sleeper picks can make your season. Two years ago, I selected Byrnes in the 18th
round of an NL-only draft (176th overall) and all he’s done the last two seasons for me is average 24 HRs, 81 RBIs and 38
stolen bases. A quick check of a couple Websites will identify out a handful of sleepers, but also look for telltale signs of
someone whose star is rising. For example, Matt Kemp posted a .342 average with 10 HRs, 42 RBIs in only 292 ABs. Once
you’ve identified a few, figure on drafting one during a lull in the middle rounds. You don’t want to pounce too early, while
there are still proven commodities out there, but you also don’t want to wait too long. However, be warned: sleepers are
crapshoots at best. For every Shane Victorino, there’s a Ryan Langerhans.
7. Breathe, stretch, shake (3 minutes) – You probably don’t have the mountain of paperwork that some of your opposing
managers have on hand, but you aren’t flying blind either. You know who your first couple picks probably will be, you’ve got a
handle on who the meat-and-potatoes players are, and you’ve even got a couple sleepers up your sleeve. Hit the bathroom,
crank “Eye of the Tiger” and settle in for the long haul. It’s time to make the guy with a white board in his bedroom regret
hibernating in his room with spreadsheets for the last month.
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March 1, 2008
Trash-Talking Has No Off-Season
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Let’s be frank: you talk to people every day, have 1,000 conversations and have to be polite to a bunch of people you
probably would rather tell off or just ignore. But instead of correcting your boss/teacher who clearly has no idea what they’re
talking about, you bottle it all up for fear of getting fired/expelled. If only there was a way to release that pent-up verbiage, to
spew forth the venom you’ve been containing for so long.
Look no further.
Fantasy baseball is perhaps one of the best outlets to vent, to let out every clever comeback and witty remark you held back.
But make no mistake: there is an art to talking trash. Your league’s message boards are not the side of a building or a
highway overpass for you to spray crude and unimaginative graffiti. They are ways to really add an extra element of fun and
competitiveness to your roto league without betting that the loser will eat an entire stick of butter.
In this column and others throughout the season, we will be exploring ways to have fun and tell someone off without being
sanctioned by the FCC. Much like wedding crashing, there are rules that govern proper fantasy sports trash-talking. And
much like the film “Wedding Crashers,” the rulebook is ever-evolving. So let’s begin our bounce around the Rules of Trash-
Talking…
Rule #52: Spring training is the perfect time to stretch your fingers and brain.
Much like ballplayers currently are encamped in Florida and Arizona, honing their skills and shaking off the rust, so is spring
training an opportunity for you to get off your duff and whip your fingers and wit into shape. If you weren’t in a fantasy
football/hockey/basketball league during the baseball off-season, then you probably want to practice a little before the regular
season begins.
If you already can access your league, regardless of whether your draft is tomorrow or four weeks from today, now is the
perfect time to start practicing on your opponents. At this stage in the game, everyone’s on the same level: everyone’s tied for
first, and everyone has the same opportunity to put together a winning team. But before you type your first post, you better
have a winning identity.
Rule #85: A good team name can earn you respect no matter where in the standings you are. A lame name could
open the floodgates to ridicule, even if you’re dominating.
You don’t want to come up with a name that a 5-year-old can pick apart. Any really good manager can find a way to twist your
team name and insult you with it, but if you name your squad “Daisy Pickers,” “Pink Ladies” or “Care Bears,” you’re just
asking to be berated, possibly even booted from the league on general principle. Find a name that suits you and suits your
league (know your league and who’s in it: you don’t want to be too crude if you’re going to turn off 2/3 of the managers with
your team name) and go for it. If it’s your first go-round, you can play it safe with a city/state name and something like
“Marauders,” “Beasts,” “Kings” or “Hooligans.” But don’t be afraid to branch out and stake a claim.
In one league I’m in, we’re all close friends, so our names usually are inside jokes about someone else, usually leading to
something semi-vile, but ultimately, our names are one way we take shots at someone else. In another league, we have some
semi-traditional names, but we also delve into the braggadocios. But even then, you have to be careful. One team chose to
name itself “Pimp of the Year,” a seemingly harmless name, but it led to me berating the owner, asking who was the “pimp?”
The manager? The first baseman? The bullpen catcher? The ticket-taker? Who voted on said award? How are votes
tabulated? By the end of the post, I had the guy pegged as a Canadian Communist hiding out in his parents’ attic. A stretch
from Pimp of the Year, but the point was made.
So anyway, back to spring training. You have your team name in place, so now it’s time to get things started.
Rule #22: Asking simple questions can often spark a fire, but you’ve got to listen so you can blow on the embers.
No, this isn’t quite on the level of “40-Year-Old Virgin,” where you constantly ask questions (“Do you like to do-it-yourself?”),
but it works as a first step. Something as elementary as saying, “So, who’s going to win this season?,” “Anyone want to place
odds on who gets Johan Santana?,” “Do you think (Team X) will make it out of the cellar?” is a good way to get the ball rolling.
The last one actually calls out another team in an almost-indirect way while involving everyone else, which is a great way to
light a fire. Once a couple people reply, even with something inane, take what they say and twist it a little and turn up the heat
a little. Check out this hypothetical example from an NL-only league:
(Midtown Monsters): So, anyone else excited that Santana is in the NL this year? Who’s gonna get him? Any chance the
Terminators climb out of the basement this year, or are they going to be looking up at everyone all season?
(St. Louis Slayers): Speak for yourself, Santana’s overrated. He’s not going to adjust that quickly. Peavy’s still the best in the
league. And if he struggles in NYC, he’ll get eaten alive. It ain’t Minnesota, you know.
(Texas Terminators): Funny, but I plan on leapfrogging all of you this year and finishing on top. I just had bad luck the last
couple seasons. Just wait until draft day.
(Midtown Monsters): What, you’ll draft Javy Lopez in the fourth round like you did last year? Or you’ll dazzle us by buying into
Ed Wade’s belief that Michael Bourn is worth Brad Lidge? You must have broken a mirror, which means you’ve got a few more
years of “bad luck.” And if you don’t want Santana, Slayers, I’ll take him and laugh all the way to the crown.
That’s all it takes to get things started. During spring training, everything is fair game since the draft is what will shake things
out. Don’t be afraid to mix it up. A little friendly verbal competition can only add to the excitement of the upcoming season.
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