Trash-Talking Has No Off-Season

March 8, 2009

Let’s be frank: you talk to people every day, have 1,000 conversations and have to be polite to a bunch of people you probably would rather tell off or just ignore. But instead of correcting your boss/teacher who clearly has no idea what they’re talking about, you bottle it all up for fear of getting fired/expelled. If only there was a way to release that pent-up verbiage, to spew forth the venom you’ve been containing for so long.

Look no further.

Fantasy baseball is perhaps one of the best outlets to vent, to let out every cleaver comeback and witty remark you held back. But make no mistake: there is a true art to talking trash. Your league’s message boards are not the side of a building or a highway overpass for you to spray crude and unimaginative graffiti. There are ways to really add an extra element of fun and another layer of competitiveness to your roto league without betting that the loser will wear shave all their body hair.

In this column throughout the season, we will be exploring ways to have fun and tell someone off without being arrested by the FCC. Much like the movie “Wedding Crashers,” there is a collection of rules that govern proper fantasy sports trash-talking. And much like the film, that rulebook is ever-evolving. So let’s begin our bounce around the Rules of Trash-Talking…

Rule #52: Spring training is the perfect time to stretch your fingers and brain.

Much like ballplayers currently are encamped in Florida and Arizona, honing their skills and shaking off the rust, so is spring training an opportunity for you to get off your duff and whip your fingers and wit into shape. If you weren’t in a fantasy football/hockey/basketball league during the baseball off-season, then you probably want to practice a little before the regular season begins.

If you already can access your league, regardless of whether your draft is tomorrow or four weeks from today, now is the perfect time to start practicing on your opponents. At this stage in the game, everyone’s on the same level: everyone’s tied for first, and everyone has the same opportunity to put together a winning team. But before you type your first post, you better have a winning identity.

Rule #85: A good team name can earn you respect no matter where in the standings you are. A lame name could open the floodgates to ridicule, even if you’re dominating.

You don’t want to come up with a name that a 5-year-old can pick apart. Any really good manager can find a way to twist your team name and insult you with it, but if you name your squad “Daisy Pickers,” “Pink Ladies” or “Care Bears,” you’re just asking to be berated, possibly even booted from the league on general principle. Find a name that suits you and suits your league (know your league and who’s in it: you don’t want to be too crude if you’re going to turn off 2/3 of the managers with your team name) and go for it. If it’s your first go-round, you can play it safe with a city/state name and something like “Marauders,” “Beasts,” “Kings” or “Hooligans.” But don’t be afraid to branch out and stake a claim.

In one league I’m in, we’re all close friends, so our names usually are inside jokes about someone else, usually leading to something semi-vile, but ultimately, our names are one way we take shots at someone else. In another league, we have some semi-traditional names, but we also delve into the braggadocios. But even then, you have to be careful. One team chose to name itself “Pimp of the Year,” a seemingly harmless name, but it led to me berating the owner, asking who was the “pimp?” The manager? The first baseman? The bullpen catcher? The ticket-taker? Who voted on said award? How are votes tabulated? By the end of the post, I had the guy pegged as a Canadian Communist hiding out in his parents’ attic. A stretch from Pimp of the Year, but the point was made.

So anyway, back to spring training. You have your team name in place, so now it’s time to get things started.

Rule #22: Asking simple questions can often spark a fire, but you’ve got to listen so you can blow on the embers.

No, this isn’t quite on the level of “40-Year-Old Virgin,” where you constantly ask questions (“Do you like to do-it-yourself?”), but it works as a first step. Something as elementary as saying, “So, who’s going to win this season?,” “Anyone want to place odds on who gets Johan Santana?,” “Do you think (Team X) will make it out of the cellar?” is a good way to get the ball rolling. The last one actually calls out another team in an almost-indirect way while involving everyone else, which is a great way to light a fire. Once a couple people reply, even with something inane, take what they say and twist it a little and turn up the heat a little. Check out this hypothetical example from an NL-only league:

(Midtown Monsters): So, anyone else excited that Santana is in the NL this year? Who’s gonna get him? Any chance the Terminators climb out of the basement this year, or are they going to be looking up at everyone all season?

(St. Louis Slayers): Speak for yourself, Santana’s overrated. He’s not going to adjust that quickly. Peavy’s still the best in the league. And if he struggles in NYC, he’ll get eaten alive. It ain’t Minnesota, you know.

(Texas Terminators): Funny, but I plan on leapfrogging all of you this year and finishing on top. I just had bad luck the last couple seasons. Just wait until draft day.

(Midtown Monsters): What, you’ll draft Javy Lopez in the fourth round like you did last year? Or you’ll dazzle us by buying into Ed Wade’s belief that Michael Bourn is worth Brad Lidge? You must have broken a mirror, which means you’ve got a few more years of “bad luck.” And if you don’t want Santana, Slayers, I’ll take him and laugh all the way to the crown.

That’s all it takes to get things started. During spring training, everything is fair game since the draft is what will shake things out. Don’t be afraid to mix it up. A little friendly verbal competition can only add to the excitement of the upcoming season.

Written by Drew Volturo · Filed Under Miscellaneous | 2 Comments 

A-Rod’s Injury, Part II

March 8, 2009

I posted yesterday about what to do in the face of ARod’s injury. Today, we find out that he’s undergoing a “hybrid” procedure that will keep him out 6-9 weeks from now, which means that if all goes well, he misses a month of the regular season. I still think that his value is reduced, and I’d reduce his value the same amount as if he tried to play through it all year. So, end of the first round, and $5-10 reduced off auction value.

Written by Jesse Mendelson · Filed Under Player News | 2 Comments